Friday, September 22, 2006

LMC Ambassador/Butt Kicker


Well--how many of you knew that I was an Ambassador/Butt Kicker? I have had an eventful week. Rabid liberals descended on my blog where I was accused of all kinds of things, a guy made a pass at me over the phone while doing phonecalls and the list goes on. But just when I thought all liberals were nuts James made my day by writing the most hilarious post I have ever read. You know James is a decent liberal when you consider the fact that he has been commenting on my blog almost since day one of when I started this blog a year ago and has never gotten banned. He is also the only liberal blogger to date that I have linked to aside from my local links. One of the things I love about him is his great humor. I seriously think he should be a writer for Saturday Night Live.

All that to say in his latest humor post he & I are ambassadors to Venezuela and we get a little payback for Chavez's most recent comments about Bush being the devil. I can't even begin to tell you how hard or long I laughed. I was only going to post excerpts but its so good that I am going to post all of it since James gave me permission but make sure you hop over there and tell him how awesome it is.

I did edit some of the language but tried to leave most of it on there since it added to the humor so the following post would probably be rated PG/PG-13 :-). Enjoy!!!

Bush Appoints Liberal Blogger As Ambassador to Venezuela

WASHINGTON – After Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Bush “the devil”, President Bush countered by appointing liberal blogger, James Manning as Ambassador to Venezuela. The move was a seen as gesture to smooth relationships between the two Presidents.

Although he was forced to resign as Press Secretary earlier this year after an altercation with George Will and getting into a fight with the First Lady and the President's mother, Mr. Manning was appreciative of the confidence in his ability.

Mr. Manning will be front and center on the international stage and will have to maneuver delicately while engaging one of President’s Bush more vocal detractors.

Immediately after accepting the appointment, Mr. Manning left LAX on Air Force One along with Deputy Secretary Chatterbox to meet with the President Chavez in his office in Caracas.

Scene on Air Force One

James: The President said he trusted me to do this so I don’t see why you are here.

Chatter: I’m here to ensure that you don’t cause an international incident.

James: What makes you think I would cause an international…

Chatter: You got into fight with the First Lady and the President’s mom at the White House. Is that evidence enough?

(Air Force One lands in Caracas and the two Diplomats are ushered to the President’s office for formal talks)

Scene in President Chavez’s Office

Pr. Chavez: Good morning Mr. Manning, Ms. Chatter, welcome to Venezuela. I hope you find our hospitalities worthy of approval.

James: I’m sure we will. Look here, dawg. Lets cut the formalities. You were out of line at the UN and we’re here to put you on notice.

Chatter: What Mr. Manning means is that the President feels that your speech was not appropriate and we’d like to open the channels of communication. After all, your country plays a very important role in the world’s economy.

Pr. Chavez: That it does (sits down and pulls out a cigar). So the President didn’t take kindly to me calling him the devil, huh?

Chatter: No he didn’t. However…

James: There’s no however in this. You need to apologize and pay me my royalties.

Pr. Chavez: Royalties?

James: Hell yeah. I made up the line of calling the President a devil. You need to come off the loot. Then you need to issue an apology... immediately.

(President Chavez leans back in chair, blows cigar smoke out his mouth and grins)

Pr. Chavez: I saw the news conference when you were appointed Press Secretary. You have big kahunas my friend. (quickly sits up and leans across desk with stern glare) But you are out of your league here. I will kick your ass all the way back to Chicago where you can watch you sorry Bears play that girly version of football.

(James looks to his right at Ms. Chatter. Then turns to look over his left shoulder.)

James: You… You… You’re talking to me? (leans on desk) Let me get this right. You’re talking to me?

Pr. Chavez: You’re the only tar baby in the room.

James: Man, I will beat yo…

Chatter: Gentlemen please.

Pr. Chavez: (pointing at Ms. Chatter) Stay in a woman’s place.

Meanwhile at the White House

Cheney: Do you think it was wise to send Mr. Manning to Venezuela? He’s rather uncontrollable.

Bush: He is, but that is why I sent Ms. Chatter along with him. I figure a Christian mother from Missouri would keep him level.

Cheney: That may be true but you do know Ms. Chatter spent some time in Chicago.

Bush: (with worried look on his face) I didn’t know that. Oh man, get them the hell out of there.

Back in President Chavez’s office.

Chatter (Standing on the desk, mercilessly slapping Pr. Chavez in the back of his head with her heels): I know the hell you didn’t. I'll knock out whatever sense you got left. Don't you ever (kick Pr. Chavez in the chin) think you can (elbows Pr. Chavez in the ear) talk to me (puts him in a choke hold) like that.

James (laughing): Whoop his ass, Chatter. Beat his motha... (blood from Pr. Chavez's nose spashes on shirt) Oh damn! You broke nose. You go girl!

(Ms. Chatter knees Pr. Chavez in the mouth the strikes him with a left jab. Pr. Chavez jumps up and runs towards the window)

Pr. Chavez: Get the hell out of my office you crazy broad and take your monkey with you.

James (jumps from chair): That’s your ass. (Hurdles desk and punches Pr. Chavez in the stomach)

(James kick Pr. Chavez in the back while Ms. Chatter jabs him in the neck with a chair. Pr. Chavez’s security team hears the commotion and enters the office.)

Scene on Air Force One on return flight to states

Ms. Chatter: This is your damn fault. You had to go and ask about some royalties. How are we going to explain this?

James: I really don’t give damn. I got my royalty check. Well, I owe you because he only wrote the check after I promised I’d make you pull that flagpole out of his butt. How the hell did you get it up that far?

Ms. Chatter: Will you get off of that. We have to explain this to the President.

James: C’mon Chatter. Admit it. When you elbowed Chavez in his ear and he went down crying like a baby… that felt good didn’t it?

Ms. Chatter: Well… Um… (shows a big smile) Hell yeah it felt good. I knocked him the hell out. Whew… I still got it, baby. (Give James a high five)

James: That’s what I’m talking ‘bout. Don’t mess with Chatter! I knew it was on when he told you to stay in your place. I thought we were going to have to call an excavation team to get that heel out of his temple.

(James and Ms. Chatter pop open a bottle of Hennessy and make a toast. Just then, a call comes in from the White House)

Ms. Chatter: Oh shoot. How do we explain this?

James: Hell, I got my money.

(Ms. Chatter answers phone)

Ms. Chatter: Hello Mr. President

Bush: What the hell happened down there? I got the press all over me.

Ms. Chatter: I’m sorry Mr. President. President Chavez was not very cooperative with us. We didn’t leave on very good terms.

Bush: Dammit. “Not very good terms” is an understatement. Mr. Manning, what are you not telling me?

James: Well… Well… I may have inadvertently declared war on his country.

Bush: What the …

James: Don’t worry, sir. Just give me a helicopter and let me call my boys from Troop 44 and we’ll go down and handle it.

Bush: I can’t believe you went down… (phone rings in background) Ho… hold on… let me get that.

(Bush voice is heard in the background. A few minutes pass and he hangs up the phone and returns to the conversation)

Bush: Ok, that was one of Pr. Chavez’s representative. He’s issuing a full apology in the morning. Good job team.

Ms. Chatter: Thank you, sir.

James: I'm glad you…

Bush: Shut up jerk. You’re fired.

James: What!

Bush: Wait (papers shuffle in background) I just got a memo here stating that Tim Russert wants to interview you on Meet the Press. If that goes well Mr. Manning, you’ll have a permanent position in my Administration.

James: Thanks.

Bush: Good night.

(hangs up phone)

Ms. Chatter: Well, that’s good. You should get along with Tim considering he’s a part of the Liberal media and all. (Notices worried look on James’ face) What’s wrong?

James: Well, I don’t exactly get along with Tim. We got into it at a Polka festival three years ago and...

Ms. Chatter: Oh man!!

(Tune in next time when James meets Tim Russert face to face since their last encounter at a Polka Festival. It will be a Meet the Press moment to remember)

THE END

posted by James Manning

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